What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The best revenge is premature balding
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
