the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
