Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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