Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
