Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
