Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
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