I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Plan B is the new Plan A
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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