I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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