were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
