Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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