If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
