Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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