All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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