i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
