Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
the condom got lost in my hair
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
