she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
