I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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