I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
