Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
