Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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