I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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