she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
