it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
