Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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