You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
