Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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