You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize