Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
