Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
