Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
