If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
