did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
