I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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