Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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