I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
