so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
