p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
