it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
