I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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