moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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