Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
