I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize