it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize