My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
