I cannot find my penis.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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