GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
