no, he came in my armpit
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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