I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
