She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
