This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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