Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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