just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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