Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
