I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
