she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I didn't shave. On purpose
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize